When One of Giada's Recipes Didn't Work Out For Me

"Giada's a little bitch!"
- my mom

New Restaurants

The worst thing about going to a new restaurant is not knowing the after-meal procedure.

"Do I just leave my basket?"
"Normally, places with baskets have a trash can, with a sign reminding you not to throw away the basket."
"But I don't see a trash can. Do they pick it up after you eat?"
"Look around, do you see anybody leaving? We'll watch what they do."
"Damn, they just got here. Let's just sit until someone else leaves."
"I can't wait any longer! Let's just leave it on the counter and run out."

The Average Man vs The Olympics

I love the Olympics. Nothing has more inherent drama than pure sport. The winners, the losers, the moments. The next few weeks will bring life-long memories, not only for the participants, but for us viewers as well.

That doesn't mean the games couldn't use a bit of updating. The problem is that not all of the competitions look that impressive. I understand that the US basketball team is the best because I understand basketball. I've played enough to realize what they do is extremely impressive. But what about disc throwing? I've never thrown a disc. Are they heavy? What's a good distance?

My proposal: Let an average man or woman compete alongside the athletes. Give us a control group. In the 100 meter dash, why not let a 35 year old man with a gut run along the outside lane. Sure, he'll be blown away, but that would make it all the better. The swimming needs it most of all. I'm sure they're very fast but it's hard to judge because I barely get to splash around in an olympic size swimming pool. And how about that thing where they run and then shoot. How funny would it be if that guy struggled with the shooting for 15 minutes.

Are you hearing this Olympic Committee? This is gold.

My Favorite Movie About 'Merica

1776

One Step Closer to WALL·E

I don't get this latest commercial from DirectTV.



Is this how the media companies see us? Mindless robots, plugged into our screens while we're oblivious to the world around us. I get the appeal of the service. Being able to access your media while on the road or in another room is pretty neat. But some of the examples in this commercial are ridiculous.

• Is the business man watching a sitcom while on the moving sidewalk?
• How about the woman walking on the beach. You know she's going to drop her iPad and get sand and water in it and try to take it to the Genius Bar claiming that, "It just stopped working."
• Forever alone at the coffee shop with his giant laptop.
• Is that teen sitting in the middle seat?
• "Never mind the hot chick sitting next to me, Franklin & Bash is on."
• God I hope he spills his wine on that laptop.
• Did you see that expression on bathtub's lady's face? Eyes closed. The sigh. They approved this?

Having awesome stuff on awesome devices is awesome, but can we at least pretend we're not this pathetic. 

'A League of Their Own': Steady Trolling

So, in 'A League of Their Own' there's this character who wants to get Jimmy's (Tom Hanks) autograph on her husband's baseball card. She goes on about how it's super important to him.

Tom Hanks will have none of it. Rips the card to shreds.

What is she going to do now? 

Don't worry, her husband is killed in combat.

Woody Put It Best

From Annie Hall:

    ALVY 
   (Reacting) 
  You see, that's what I call removed.

    ANNIE 
  Oh, you have my body.

    ALVY 
  Yeah, but that's not-that's no good.  
  I want the whole thing. 

    ANNIE 
   (Sighing) 
  Well, I need grass and so do you.

    ALVY 
  Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass 
   (Clearing his throat)
   because, you know, I'm, like, a comedian-

    ANNIE 
   (Overlapping) 
  M'hm.

    ALVY 
   (Overlapping) 
  -so if I get a laugh from a person who's 
  high, it doesn't count.  You know-'cause 
  they're always laughin'.

    ANNIE 
  Were you always funny?

    ALVY 
  Hey, what is this-an interview?  We're 
  supposed to be making love.

Sometimes, I Feel Old

Teacher: "Remember when there was only one area code?"
Classmate: "No. You mean, once it was just 773?"
Me: {Okay}

How I'll Spend the Next 12 Hours

It's Lame to Be First

The single worst thing I have to deal with on a semi-regular basis is being first at the bar. You spend all day emailing your friends, making plans to meet at the bar, and foolishly agree on a time that you know no one is going to make.

"I'll be there at 7:00!" everyone agrees.

But you no they won't be there on time, so you leave as late as possible. Not so late that you're a complete ass, just late enough to make that 15 minute grace period before you're considered late. "I'll leave at 6:40," you tell yourself. 

You do this because you know it's way cooler to be the last guy to show up at the party. Everyone else has settled in. The conversation is just getting going. The waitress is already in full service mode. It's the social equivalent of a warm-up act.

You get off the train at 7:10, and start walking to the bar. You text your friends, "Got a table?" 

"Just left the office!" they reply.

Fuck.

Now you're going to be the first one there. And there is no worst feeling in the entire world than being first at the bar. 

First off, walking in looks completely different. When you walk in last, you have a confident stroll. You're like, "Hell yeah, I'm here. Where my people at?" When you walk in first, it's more like, "Gosh, this place is packed. The music sure is loud. I hope I can find a table. Man, I need one with 6 seats. WHY IS EVERYONE STARING AT ME?" 

So then you sit at this big empty table by yourself, fumbling through your phone. You're pretending to text your friends to hurry up, but you know not to bug them, so you just look through your phone's settings. Maybe check if the bar has free wi-fi.

Then the waitress comes up to you, and the stink of self-pity is overpowering. 

"Can I get you anything?" she asks.

"I have friends! They're coming!"

Awkward pause-

"Okay... Tell you what, I'll check back on you in a few. Okay?"

The next 15 minutes before anyone shows up are the longest of your life. Somehow, you managed to order a beer, which you take a sip from every 10 seconds in between looking up at distant TV. You're starting to sweat because you have to piss so badly but you can't leave the table. When a friend finally shows up, you greet them as excitedly as a puppy left home alone. The desperation is palpable.

"See! Here's one of them!" you exclaim to your waitress.

The only antidote to this pathetic display is to drink away the memory.

Or, you can do what I do: If I'm going to be early, I just stop at a McDonald's for some chicken nuggets.

Socially Awkward Penguin

Scumbag Doctors

Why do doctors hit babies when they're born? 

It's because they're so full of themselves, they think they should somehow be involved in the creation of life. 

As if the miracle of birth wasn't enough, they feel the need to give it a jump start.

Can you imagine the first doctor who did that? 

He must have been so insecure.

Like, the baby was born and everybody was thrilled but he said,

“Not yet! First I have to...”

And then he stalled because he didn’t actually have anything to say so he just slapped the baby’s ass!

And everyone was weirded out for a second but nobody questioned him because he’s a doctor.

What an asshole.

Rage Comic Wednesday

Giant Strollers - I Blame Yuppies

If you were a baby in the 80s, there's a good chance your stroller looked like this:

Simple, compact, light, portable and easily foldable. Urban design and it's finest.

Remember all those those Yuppies who put their careers ahead of having families. Well, they finally all started having kids in the late 90s. 

The result is this:

Giant. Fucking. Strollers.

Why so big? I'll tell you why: It's because they needed something to show off when they left their SUVs at home. 

Unfortunately, like the SUVs, the giant strollers have left the posh neighborhoods and have flooded the hoods. You ain't right unless your man drops $500 on a stoller for your, "little king." 

The worst part about them is they're hard as fuck to maneuver on the bus.

Porn Music

Remember when you were in school, and somebody said something that had a vague sexual undertone, and you would make that funky porn music sound?
But you don’t hear that music anymore.
That was the porn music from the 70s.
Think of the porn made today.
Can you recall what current porn music sounds like?
Of coarse you can't.
It's just muzak.
There's nothing special about it.
And half the time it's normal people having sex on their webcam, there’s no music.
It makes you wonder what is was like back in the day, like in the 1930s…
Like, when someone said something sexual did someone else start humming a ragtime tune?